


I don't wanna end me

by BrotherWhy



Category: Yu-Gi-Oh! - All Media Types, Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Child Abuse, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Hope, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Other, Overcoming Trauma, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Trauma, Triggers, fighting his own demons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-01
Updated: 2019-05-01
Packaged: 2020-02-10 22:11:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18669373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrotherWhy/pseuds/BrotherWhy
Summary: Some things happen in life. In Kaiba's life, many awful horrible things have happened. Like this one night, on his eleventh birthday.But maybe... just maybe... there is still hope.





	I don't wanna end me

**Author's Note:**

> !!!TRIGGER WARNING!!! If you have the feeling, that anything related to sexual and/or child abuse could trigger you, I recommend to not read this oneshot. 
> 
> Why did I write this?  
> On the one hand, because I wanted to face my demons. And I did it.  
> On the other hand, because I thought maybe I can show you that there is hope, indeed. That no matter what happened to us, we can still be loved and love someone else, we can still be happy and strong and proud. 
> 
> If this sounds interesting to you, then feel free to read it now. <3
> 
> PS: Nobody corrected this, because I just wanted to write something from my heart. Please be gentle with me and my terrible English.

**_Listen_ **

**_Keep you in the dark, what had you expected?_ **

**_Me to make you my art and make you a star_ **

**_And get you connected?_ **

**_I'll meet you in the park, I'll be calm and collected_ **

**_But we knew right from the start that you'd fall apart_ **

**_'Cause I'm too expensive_ **

 

Silence.

Kaiba inhaled.

Kaiba exhaled.

Silence.

He was staring at the door frame which was barely visible in the dark.

Silence.

His little heart was beating in his chest so fast, Kaiba was afraid that it would explode.

He inhaled.

He exhaled.

Silence.

Shaking, Kaiba started to nibble on his fingernails. Or at least on what was left of them. His nail beds had become inflamed days ago, but he couldn’t stop himself.

He inhaled.

He exhaled.

Silence.

Maybe tonight was different.

Maybe yesterday would have been the last time.

Maybe tomorrow…

Maybe…

Kaiba inhaled.

Kaiba exhaled.

Footsteps.

The sound of heavy, slow footsteps approached and he bit his lip so hard, he could taste blood.

Closing his eyes, Kaiba tried to calm his breathing.

“It’s okay.” he whispered to himself “It’s okay… At least not Mokuba.”

That was all that counted.

This thought of knowing his brother in safety engulfed Kaiba completely. He tried his best to concentrate on nothing else.

 

**_Your talk'll be somethin' that shouldn't be said out loud_ **

**_Honestly, I thought that I would be dead by now_ **

**_Calling security, keepin' my head held down_ **

**_Bury the hatchet or bury your friend right now_ **

 

Footsteps.

Kaiba inhaled.

Kaiba exhaled.

A key was placed in the hole of the door and slowly turned.

Really slowly.

Kaiba shivered, trembled, shuddered, quivered. His arms and legs were out of control and the panic swallowed him. Cold sweat ran down his neck. His head spun wildly.

The fear was tearing him apart.

It felt like dying.

Kaiba just wished he would die for real.

The sharp sound of a squeaking door roared in his ears as the monster entered the room.

Kaiba was blazed by the light of the hallway at first and blinked rapidly.

In the next moment, the door was closed again.

Silence.

Kaiba inhaled.

Kaiba hold his breath.

Silence.

_ It’s okay. At least not Mokuba. _

That was all that counted.

The monster’s voice was deep, dark and chilling. It made Kaiba’s hackle rise.

“So… have you learned your lesson?”

He could hear a little ‘click’ and in the next moment, a small lamp was switched on. Its light was white and glaring.

Kaiba didn’t dare to look up.

He sat on the floor, knees pushed to his chest, staring on the cold, grey ground underneath him.

“Yes.” he managed to whisper.

“Yes, what?” 

The anger in the monster’s voice slapped Kaiba in the face.

He swallowed.

“Yes… Daddy.”

“There you go.” the monster sighed satisfied.

Kaiba felt the urge to vomit.

A few seconds passed by before the man sat down next to him.

“It’s your birthday today, isn’t it?”

Kaiba blinked slowly.

Hesitating, he raised his eyes and looked at Gozaburo.

The elderly man was sitting in front of him, head tilted to the side, smiling dangerously.

Kaiba blinked again.

He couldn’t see any tools in his hands. 

No belt. No whip. No chain. Nothing.

Maybe…

Gozaburo raised an eyebrow, a threatening sign of him waiting for an answer.

“Yes, Daddy.”

“How old are you now, tell me.”

Kaiba swallowed thickly.

“Eleven, Daddy.”

“Eleven…” the monster looked at him curiously.

Why was he speaking to him?

Why wasn’t he beating him like always?

Maybe tonight was different.

Maybe…

Was there a chance that he could fall asleep this night without any pain? Without blood on his sheets? Without… without any agony?

Was there a chance Gozaburo wouldn’t beat him tonight?

The monster nodded in his thoughts.

“So… would you like to have a present?”

Kaiba stared at him with big eyes.

_ No! No, no, no, no, no! _

_ It’s a trap! _

“Yes, Daddy.” the child’s voice was lifeless.

Gozaburo showed his teeth in a chilling grin.

“Good boy.”

Kaiba shivered.

The monster’s hand reached for him and he flinched out of habit.

Another few seconds passed by before Gozaburo let his hand sink again.

He hadn’t slapped him.

He hadn’t beaten him.

Maybe…

Kaiba inhaled.

Kaiba exhaled.

Silence.

 

**_Come here_ **

**_Say it, spit it out, what is it exactly_ **

**_You're payin'? Is the amount cleanin' you out, am I satisfactory?_ **

**_Today, I'm thinkin' about the things that are deadly_ **

**_The way I'm drinkin' you down_ **

**_Like I wanna drown, like I wanna end me_ **

 

The monster got up on his feet, staring down at the young boy with a mask of… something Kaiba hadn’t seen before. Was this expression… something positive?

Gozaburo let his hand wander over the shining metal of his KC belt.

Kaiba whimpered.

“Stop whining.” the monster demanded, before speaking quieter again “I won’t hurt you.”

The young boy stared at him, tears in the corner of his eyes.

_ I won’t hurt you I won’t hurt you I won’t hurt you _

Kaiba’s head started spinning so much he couldn’t handle it.

Meanwhile, the monster continued opening his belt at first, then the buttons of his trousers. The boy could hear the sound of a zipper.

He had no idea what was going to happen.

_ He wouldn’t hurt him. No pain. _

_ No pain. _

_ No. _

_ Pain. _

“So… you’re a clever boy, aren’t you? You showed me already how clever you are… but I have a surprise for you.”

Gozaburo’s voice sounded hoarse. He pushed his trousers down to his knees, standing in front of the boy in boxers only, presenting a prominent bulge.

Kaiba frowned, not able to answer.

“You know, as a young man you should now everything about sexuality. You should now about being a man. You should know about… this.”

The monster grabbed his dick and pulled it out of his underwear.

Kaiba was staring at it.

His whole head was empty.

He couldn’t think.

He couldn’t feel.

He couldn’t breathe.

Gozaburo laughed. It was a sound that burned itself into Kaiba’s memory forever.

“So… this is what makes you a real man.”

Dead eyes watched the monster, while he stroked himself, his fully erected penis in his hand.

“And I will gift you with the knowledge of a real man. Come here.” he commanded.

Kaiba couldn’t react.

He was just sitting there, staring through the man’s body.

Gozaburo gritted his teeth.

“I said… come here!”

The young boy jerked. Somehow, he managed to rise to his feet, completely trembling.

“Good boy. Now come closer.”

Kaiba felt his body react and approaching.

There was nothing he could do.

Nothing.

 

**_For the debt I owe, gotta sell my soul_ **

**_'Cause I can't say no, no, I can't say no_ **

**_Then my limbs all froze and my eyes won't close_ **

**_And I can't say no, I can't say no_ **

 

The monster was grinning at him widely, madness burning in his eyes.

“Touch it.”

It was barely a whisper, but it roared as loud as airplanes in Kaiba’s ears.

The young boy stared to the ground and began to shake his head.

At first slowly, then much faster, intensely.

In the next moment he could feel a stinging pain from the back of his head, where the monster grabbed his hair.

He forced the young boy to lock eyes with him.

“Remember - ” Gozaburo’s voice was dangerously quiet “Remember I won’t hurt you. This is your birthday present.”

The man eased his grip and began to stroke Kaiba’s hair almost softly.

“I’m making a man out of you. Touch it.” the monster whispered in his ear.

Kaiba watched his shaking hand slowly rising. He tried to stop his motion, tried to make his body run away, screaming internally… but it was no use.

Feeling himself die inside, the young boy touched the hot exposed flesh in front of him.

A tiny cold hand grabbed his tiny heart tightly and refused to let go forever.

 

**_Step on the glass, staple your tongue_ **

**_Bury a friend, try to wake up_ **

**_Cannibal class, killing the son_ **

**_Bury a friend, I wanna end me_ **

**_I wanna end me_ **

**_I wanna, I wanna, I wanna end me_ **

**_I wanna, I wanna, I wanna_ **

 

\-------------------------------------------------------

 

Kaiba jerked up in bed, sweating and shaking all over. A scary, inhuman scream echoed through the room and in the next second Kaiba realised with a jolt, that it was his own cry.

One moment later the door sprung open.

Wearing nothing but a towel around his waist, Atem stood in the frame, panting heavily, looking startled to the bone.

“Seto? Seto what’s wrong?” he asked while hurrying to the bed and sitting next to the CEO.

Kaiba was shaking uncontrollably. All his muscles clenched while he whimpered, tears streaming down his face.

Atem was there.

Atem hold him, pressed his moving body to his chest tightly.

“Shhh… I’m here baby. I’m here. It’s okay.” he whispered, almost unable to hold his own tears back.

Mumbling reassuring phrases, the pharaoh could nothing do but just hold his lover and wait, wait till the motions got slower, the tears dryer, the whimpers quieter.

It took some time till Kaiba sensed all this. After a while, he understood where he was, what happened and who was touching him.

Atem.

Atem was there.

Still shaking slightly, the CEO pressed his body against Atem’s.

“Shhh, baby. It’s okay. It was just a dream.”

_ Just a dream _ Atem’s voice echoed through his head.

_ Just a dream. _

_ Just a dream. _

 

**_What do you want from me? Why don't you run from me?_ **

**_What are you wondering? What do you know?_ **

**_Why aren't you scared of me? Why do you care for me?_ **

 

“I’m sorry.”, Kaiba muffled hoarsely, trying to ignore the urge to tell Atem the truth about his… ‘dream’.

“No… no, hey –“ Atem put his hand on Kaiba’s chin, looking at him with eyes full of worry.

“Hey… don’t be sorry, baby. It’s okay. I’m here. I’m here for you.”

“Why?”

It was a simple question, but Atem looked like he was slapped in the face.

“What?”

Kaiba stared at him with dead eyes, feeling his tears dry on his pale skin.

“Why are you doing all this for me?”

On the last word, Kaiba’s voice broke.

Atem closed his eyes for a few seconds, trying to contain his tears and his desperation.

Opening them again, he looked his boyfriend deep in his eyes.

“Because… I love you.” Atem whispered with a shaking voice, leaning forwards to catch Kaiba in a deep kiss.

Kaiba felt guilty.

He felt guilty for the pain he saw in Atem’s eyes, but he couldn’t change it.

Hugging his boyfriend desperately, he lost himself in Atem’s smell.

Kaiba inhaled.

Kaiba exhaled.

Silence.

After a few minutes, he fell asleep again from exhaustion.

 

**_When we all fall asleep, where do we go?_ **

  
  


\--------------------------------------------------

 

A tiny teardrop landed on the surface of a black laptop, right above the shining ‘KC’ logo. 

The room was completely dark and Kaiba didn’t know, how late it was, but he also didn’t care. 

He was sitting on the couch, his laptop on his knees, absently stroking the surface of the closed screen underneath his fingers.

He did it. 

He finished the oneshot. 

Exhaling slowly, Kaiba noticed, that he suddenly felt… different. 

When he had started writing, he had been a mess. A trembling, sweating mess. It had took him the whole night to write it and he had been so afraid to reread it. He had needed a few hours before he dared to look at it again. 

But now, after rereading and correcting it, he felt… calm. 

Never in his life, the young man would have thought that he could to that. That he could sit down and just write about these awful things that had happened to him.

It had felt like Gozaburo still had so much power over him. 

But Kaiba did it. 

He wrote about it. 

He experienced all his fear, all his panic,all his desperation -  again. 

And he overcame it. 

Breathing slowly, he closed his eyes and searched for the feeling of the cold hand around his heart. 

But he couldn’t find it. 

There was nothing cold, nothing empty, nothing painful anymore. 

The young man felt like he had burst all his heavy chains and dropped them. 

He felt so… light. Like a tiny feather. 

He did it. 

He left it behind. 

Kaiba had won. 

And Gozaburo had lost. 

The boy defeated the monster. 

A small motion in the corner of his eye made Kaiba turn his head. 

Mumbling, Atem rubbed his eyes, still half asleep. He was laying next to Kaiba on the couch and had fallen asleep hours ago. 

The CEO brushed a few strands of hair out of Atem’s eyes, mesmerized by the blissful expression on the pharaoh’s face.

Atem frowned in his sleep, then slowly opened his eyes. 

Blinking, he sat up and looked at his husband curiously. 

“You still awake?”

Kaiba nodded with a small smile on his lips. 

The pharaoh watched him carefully, before speaking again. 

“Did you cry? What’s wrong, baby?”

The concern in his voice was clearly audible. 

Kaiba sighed. He reached out to put his arms around the smaller body, snuggling against Atem. 

“It’s okay. Everything is okay.” the CEO whispered and placed a small kiss on his lover’s forehead. 

When Atem still looked at him with big, questioning eyes, he sighed again. 

“I did it.”

There was a moment of silence, before he could see Atem’s eyes slowly filling with tears. 

“You did it?” 

“Yes. I wrote it down. With all the details. And I didn’t panic or run away.    
Because he doesn’t have any power over me anymore.”

Atem swallowed. He cupped his husband’s face and kissed him passionately, before he leaned his forehead against Kaiba’s. 

“I am so fucking proud of you, baby.”

Kaiba smiled, showing his teeth. 

He felt like he could embrace the whole world right now. 

He knew that it wasn’t over, though. He knew that writing that little oneshot didn’t change what happened. 

But now, he wasn’t afraid anymore. He wasn’t afraid to get triggered so easily anymore.

He overcame his fear of getting through this memory. 

Kaiba got up. With a swift motion, he lifted Atem off the couch and carried him on his arms to the big balcony.

The cold air night brushed over their skin, as Kaiba put the smaller body of his husband down. Hugging him from behind, the CEO sighed. 

For a moment, the two lovers just looked into the night. 

“You know what?” Kaiba finally spoke. 

“What?”

“I am proud of me, too. Thank you for everything.”

Atem smiled and turned around to kiss Kaiba deeply. 

Meanwhile, the sun began to rise.  


 

**I don't wanna end me.**

**Author's Note:**

> So - you survived it. Congratulations. ;)  
> Feel free to tell me what you think, PN me or anything.  
> Thank you for giving me the save space that I needed for facing my monsters.  
> Thank you venom_for_free for being the center of my life, my safe haven, my life saver, my everything. Thank you for walking this path with me. Thank you for all your hard work, your patience, and your unconditional love. Maybe one day I will find the words to tell you how much I love you.  
> And thank you ItsAJ_B1tches for all your clever advice, your honesty, your time, your encouraging words and your love. You're helping me every day to become a better human being and you somehow manage to make me laugh even in the most hopeless situations. I love you dearly.  
> Thank you for reading.  
> And remember -  
> There is hope.  
> I love you. <3
> 
> EMP


End file.
